The stories of my life

A conversation had over G-chat, names have been changed to protect the innocent

Ash: so my drummer, steve was out of his mind drunk saturday night
me: And?
Ash: well, james and i notice that he was sitting on the couch talking to this girl
and we were like "go steve!"
we walk outside for a bit
come back and he's got his tounge down her throat
we were like "yes!"
i go to grab another delicous pbr and i come back watching then go upstairs to a bedroom
we all start chanting steve's name
because we're retarded
we ask him the next day how things were
he said not so good
me: How not good?
Ash: i preface this by saying it is gross
steve had a bad case of whisky dick...so not much was happening after like an hour
me: HAHAHAHA
Ash: so he goes and turns the light on to get dressed
and there's blood everywhere
he screams "OH MY GOD!!!"
me: Did he chop it off?
Ash: he might has well have
apparently, in his drunken stupor, he thought he was bleeding
me: But...
Ash: nope
me: Dude, what happened....
Ash: exactly what you think happened
me: It fell off?
Or did he rub it raw?
Dude, you cannot leave me hanging here.
me: Please dude, please, end the suspense...my stomach is lurching in anticipation.
Ash: dude
please tell me you're not serious
me: I mean like, it's turning...I need closure.
Ash: alright fine
he asked macguyver later if she was a virgin
he started laughing hysterically
and said "you have period blood on your dick!!"
me: Wow, you know what...after like all that
Right before you typed it, I got it.
This just proves how long it's been since I've been anywhere close to a woman and her lady-parts.
Ash: hahahahahaha
i was gonna say...