I hate making mistake. I'm a fucking perfectionist about certain things in life, like my job. I have made a bunch of mistakes recently- none that will get me canned or anything, but things that add up. Most are relatively minor and easily corrected- a few have been bigger, and more difficult to correct. I have gotten better at not taking these things personally, but still, I really despise fucking up.
For years, I have partially defined myself by what I do. In college, I was a student and a techie. For a brief time I was able to be a person, social, and get out there. Then I was a grad student and worker, and now I'm a professional. When I make a mistake, sometimes I feel like it cuts to the core. This also happens in my Magic writing, but I have gotten better about letting that stuff slide off my back.
I guess part of this stems from how fucking hard it is to define yourself in this day an age. Yes, identity is as fleeting as it is firm- you are only what you claim to be if you put forth the effort. I have a lot of experience trying to define myself for dating websites and job applications, but what do I say?
I'm Jewish?
I'm passionate?
I listen to punk rock?
I'm fucking awesome?
That's part of the reason I have this blog- to try and figure out what I am. I am a self proclaimed nerd, but even that doesn't say everything about me. In this world where we're all just trying to find a connection, I think we a re best defined by our roles in our relationships with others. This is one of the reasons why I miss living in Brooklyn- it was easy for me to go out and find the comfort zones of identity. Here, I have to brave new ground and do it all over again. It's fin, but tiring. After a day of work, I don't always have the energy to go out to the bar and be a social person. I made it out today and had a Heineken Light, at the behest and suggestion of my sister (a smart one).
Thursdays are not the best days at my local watering hole, especially to meet people.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Friday night was unremarkable. Like so many others, I was working, although this time my stomach was rather upset. I had to sneak off to the secret bathroom in the Castle a few times to make use of the hidden toilet-no lights in this place- like a scene from a bad Jason movie.
Anyway, it is a night like so many others- watching the clock, counting down the minutes until I get to go home.
And then my Junior year roommate walks in.
I had not spoken to this man in nearly five years- we parted on less than amicable terms. We were both arrogant kids at the time, only he had a girlfriend and would frequently fight with her loudly and with consequences. He once put his head into my wall, leaving a dent. I was no prince either, being rather loud about my distaste for him.
It was like the odd couple, only with two short people angry at each other.
So he's there, and we have the awkward hello. I can only imagine what's going through his head, since he's there as a guest of a first year student.
I don't see him the rest of the night, but find a facebook message from him today. None of this sits right with me. I mean, I am all for making amends, but that's not what irks me.
I think I'm jealous of the man.
I work at a place where the people I come into contact with the most, the students, are off limits socially (as they should be- I am not complaining about this at all). But not to him...someone my own age. He's free to date whomever he pleases. That rubs me the wrong way a little.
But at the same time, what scares me is I know the developmental cycle for most traditional aged college students, and, well, it feels just off. 25 and 18 does not seem like such a huge difference, but one person is just starting college, and the other has been out for nearly three years.
I dunno; maybe it's just jealously.
Anyway, it is a night like so many others- watching the clock, counting down the minutes until I get to go home.
And then my Junior year roommate walks in.
I had not spoken to this man in nearly five years- we parted on less than amicable terms. We were both arrogant kids at the time, only he had a girlfriend and would frequently fight with her loudly and with consequences. He once put his head into my wall, leaving a dent. I was no prince either, being rather loud about my distaste for him.
It was like the odd couple, only with two short people angry at each other.
So he's there, and we have the awkward hello. I can only imagine what's going through his head, since he's there as a guest of a first year student.
I don't see him the rest of the night, but find a facebook message from him today. None of this sits right with me. I mean, I am all for making amends, but that's not what irks me.
I think I'm jealous of the man.
I work at a place where the people I come into contact with the most, the students, are off limits socially (as they should be- I am not complaining about this at all). But not to him...someone my own age. He's free to date whomever he pleases. That rubs me the wrong way a little.
But at the same time, what scares me is I know the developmental cycle for most traditional aged college students, and, well, it feels just off. 25 and 18 does not seem like such a huge difference, but one person is just starting college, and the other has been out for nearly three years.
I dunno; maybe it's just jealously.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wake me when you learn to be cool
I got my hands on the new Motion City Soundtrack album, and it made me fall in love with being a nerd. Again.
No, that's not quite right. Rather, I feel like their music describes how I view myself when I talk about being a nerd. The character they craft for their music is one who lacks confidence at times, but is wholly engaged with the subculture he/she inhabits. Someone trying to improve their individual self, while not shirking uniqueness yet trying fitting into the world at large.
I signed up for jDate again, but have such mixed feelings about the entire process. I mean, in the past year most of my dates have come from this site, and I like to think I have learned a lot, but I cannot get over this nagging feeling that sites like these are actively bad for the world. I mean, I am all for meeting that special someone, but have we really created a world where the best way to do that is online? Also, chatting via instant message is annoying when people get up to do something and neglect to tell you, so sometimes you're just chatting and saying a bunch while they're off in the bathroom, and come back to your frantic wall of text, trying to keep them interested in your boring life.
I mean, there are positive attributes. You actually get to talk to the person before meeting them in the flesh to see if you mesh well, and you do not have to attract someone across a crowded bar (although I am a dashing fellow).
But something is missing. I am not entirely sure what it is since my one relationship ever started when a woman walked up to me and we started discussing who was a bigger nerd.
More than anything else, though, the site breaks down the lives of people into words, and that is just so difficult. I have read so many profiles about women who love to travel, and I wonder: what does that really mean? Do you want to see other parts of the world or is there just nothing going on for you right now?
Who knows.
No, that's not quite right. Rather, I feel like their music describes how I view myself when I talk about being a nerd. The character they craft for their music is one who lacks confidence at times, but is wholly engaged with the subculture he/she inhabits. Someone trying to improve their individual self, while not shirking uniqueness yet trying fitting into the world at large.
I signed up for jDate again, but have such mixed feelings about the entire process. I mean, in the past year most of my dates have come from this site, and I like to think I have learned a lot, but I cannot get over this nagging feeling that sites like these are actively bad for the world. I mean, I am all for meeting that special someone, but have we really created a world where the best way to do that is online? Also, chatting via instant message is annoying when people get up to do something and neglect to tell you, so sometimes you're just chatting and saying a bunch while they're off in the bathroom, and come back to your frantic wall of text, trying to keep them interested in your boring life.
I mean, there are positive attributes. You actually get to talk to the person before meeting them in the flesh to see if you mesh well, and you do not have to attract someone across a crowded bar (although I am a dashing fellow).
But something is missing. I am not entirely sure what it is since my one relationship ever started when a woman walked up to me and we started discussing who was a bigger nerd.
More than anything else, though, the site breaks down the lives of people into words, and that is just so difficult. I have read so many profiles about women who love to travel, and I wonder: what does that really mean? Do you want to see other parts of the world or is there just nothing going on for you right now?
Who knows.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, November 6, 2009
Seattle's keeping me in tune, part 14
In the final round of IPA, Matt Tabak's deck dismantles me and I drop the match in two games.
Draft Record: 5-1
Constructed Record: 4-4
Overall record: 9-5.
Pretty good weekend. Let's see if we win, since Bubba managed to win sweep the multiplier event.
Later dudes,
Draft Record: 5-1
Constructed Record: 4-4
Overall record: 9-5.
Pretty good weekend. Let's see if we win, since Bubba managed to win sweep the multiplier event.
Later dudes,
Seattle's keeping me in tune, part 13
IPA match 2, overall round 13, I play against Aaron Forsythe for the third time in the weekend, and take him down in three games, leaving my overall record at 9-4 on the weekend.
One more to go, can I sweep the draft?
Later dudes,
One more to go, can I sweep the draft?
Later dudes,
Seattle's keeping me in tune, part 12
The final three rounds are IPA draft, and of course I am matched up against Mark Gottlieb, who I have beaten previously in an IPA practice draft. My draft is a decent Dromar concoction, but with no bombs, just good card advantage. I get there in game three with a little (read a lot) of help from Hall of Famer Randy Buehler, we manage to take down MaGo.
Okay, his stunted mana development helped some.
8-4 on the weekend.
Later dudes,
Okay, his stunted mana development helped some.
8-4 on the weekend.
Later dudes,
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